


Goodbye

by youwishpreppy



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 12:54:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16854337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youwishpreppy/pseuds/youwishpreppy
Summary: This is a story about Kevin finding out about Joaquin's death and his way to cope with it.





	Goodbye

Kevin had never before lost someone that close to him. And the truth was that he wasn’t even that close to Joaquin anymore when it happened. They hadn’t seen each other in a year. Kevin was dating someone new. He liked to tell himself that he had moved on. But then he had met Joaquin for a short moment during the escape and realized immediately that he still cared about him.

Kevin had been so worried about Joaquin, even went after him and searched for him, but couldn’t find him. He hadn’t been able to forget about Joaquin after that. And he had planned to go back into the woods and look for him. But he had been too busy helping Archie. And before he could decide where to start his search for Joaquin, Jughead called him.

“Kev…I have to tell you something..it’s Joaquin. He is.. he is dead. Blue lips…”  
  
Kevin felt like he was falling. Blood was rushing in his ears, and he felt sick. And his first reaction was denial:

“No…that can’t be. It can’t be Joaquin! Jug it must be someone else!”

He had bargained with Jughead desperately, telling him over and over again that he must be wrong. It couldn’t be Joaquin! But of course, Jughead stayed adamant. And then it sunk in and Kevin started to cry uncontrollably, shaking and almost dropping his phone.

He couldn’t remember later on how he managed to get home. He just was standing in their kitchen suddenly, and his dad saw him and asked what was wrong. Kevin brushed him off almost aggressively, needing to be alone and went up to his room.  
  
He closed the door behind him, and all strength left him. He barely made it over to his bed and slumped down on it headfirst. He had thought he needed this, to be alone…but now that he was it was actually worse. There was nothing to distract him, Kevin was overwhelmed by all the thoughts and feelings. The only thing he could do was grab his pillow, pressing his face into it and scream.

He didn’t know how long he did that, but it must have been for some time, because he heard his dad outside his room, calling out and knocking on the door. Kevin didn’t react. He just wanted his dad to leave.

By now his dad was rattling at the door. “Kevin! What is wrong? Please let me in!”  
  
“Go away!”  
  
But of course his dad wouldn’t have any of that, and the door was old, and it was no problem to kick it open. Before Kevin could do anything at all, his dad was already on the bed beside him and pulling him into his arms.  
  
“What happened? Please let me help you. I have never seen you so out of it.”  
  
But he couldn’t talk…he couldn’t say it out loud. It would make it too real. And so he just cried into his dad’s shoulder.  
  
“Hey, it’s ok Kevin.. shhh…”  
  
It was soothing to be held like this. Kevin didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but he was thankful that his dad didn’t let go of him.  
  
After a while Tom talked to him again, his voice soft:  
  
“I got a call that something happened at the Serpent camp. They found a body. Does this have something to do with you crying? They said it was a boy around your age… did you know him? One of your classmates?”  
  
The blood rushed back into Kevin’s ears, and he felt like throwing up. He could only nod, and a strangled sob escaped his mouth. His dad hugged him tighter and patted his back.  
  
“I am sorry, Kevin. And you don’t have to talk about it.. but I am very sorry if he was someone close to you. You can always talk to me when you are ready.”  
  
He held his son for a while longer, not saying another word, just offering the comfort of a hug and it was probably the best thing at the moment, Kevin thought.  
  
Hours later, Kevin convinced his dad that it was ok to leave him alone and that he would just sleep for a while. He lay awake in bed the whole night, staring at the ceiling and thinking about every second he had spent with Joaquin, beginning with their first eye contact and ending with their short meeting just a few days ago. He was sobbing and praying that it was just a bad dream he was caught in, but it wasn’t.   
  
He knew that in a way he had already lost Joaquin a year ago when Joaquin had left town, seemingly for good. But that had been different. Back then, Kevin could imagine Joaquin having a new life somewhere else. He sometimes thought about his ex-boyfriend all of a sudden, and he always imagined Joaquin sitting at a beach, wearing his blue shirt and sipping a drink, watching the waves and thinking about Kevin with a little smile on his face. And maybe one day they would meet again and remember old times and perhaps even give each other a second chance.  
  
But this time it wasn’t like that at all. Joaquin wasn’t sitting at a beach. He was dead. Kevin would never hear his voice again, would never look into those blue eyes again or feel the warm, soft touch of his hand.

  
The next days felt unreal to Kevin. There were moments during which he thought it had all just been a nightmare. Moments during which he almost managed to convince himself that Joaquin was still alive. And then the panic set in, once he realized that he was just lying to himself.  
  
The worst was the guilt that came creeping up on him. He should have gone after Joaquin! Should have made it his top priority to search for him. Joaquin had needed his help, and Kevin had let him down! He hadn’t been there for him when Joaquin needed him the most. And Kevin would never forgive himself for that.  
  
He spent hours wondering about the what ifs? What if he had run after Joaquin and stopped him when he met him during the escape? Joaquin could have gone to the bunker together with Archie. He would have been safe down there! Or what if Kevin had just searched for him some more afterward? What if he had found Joaquin? He could have brought him here to his house and made sure to keep him safe.   
  
But he had done none of that. He had helped other people, chose them over Joaquin. He hated himself for it. Archie had needed help too, of course. But he had a whole army behind him, who helped him. Joaquin had no one. Kevin should have been the one to help him, to care enough about Joaquin…

The funeral was held a few days later. It was sad. And not just because it was a funeral… it was sad because there was almost no one there. FP had organized something at least, had made sure that Joaquin would be buried on the Riverdale Cemetery. He was there and Fangs, Sweet Pea, and Toni and a handful of Serpents, Kevin didn’t know.

Kevin wore the Serpent jacket, he had borrowed for the escape. It made him feel closer to Joaquin, and he felt like it was the best way to pay him his last respect, wearing a Serpent jacket. The ceremony was short and impersonal, and it hurt Kevin that no one said anything about what kind of person Joaquin had been. No one mentioned that Joaquin had a good heart and that he was nice and polite. No one mentioned that he loved animals and that he liked to play board games with his boyfriend.   
  
After the official ceremony was over Kevin went to the grave, laying down some roses and he knelt down and gently patted the fresh soil.

“Goodbye, Joaquin…I am so sorry that I didn’t go after you… I should have looked for you and helped you. This is my fault. If only I had invested more time to look for you.”

He broke down, crying, his hands grabbing the soil as if he could grab Joaquin’s arm or his shirt. So desperate for something to hold on to, something of Joaquin. It was stupid, but Kevin thought at that moment that he regretted not having a shirt or hoodie that Joaquin left behind in his room. He had nothing he could hug to his chest and bury his face in and still smell Joaquin’s hair gel or his cologne.  
  
Kevin’s crying turned even worse. He felt arms go around him and looked up. Toni and Fangs were there, hugging him, and he could see the pain in their eyes, mirroring his own, tears streaming down their faces too.  
  
Fangs was shaking, his face so pale that he looked almost dead too.  
  
“We all failed him…he deserved better. We should have been there for him..he died because we didn’t help him..we left him behind… no Serpent stands alone, yeah right.”  
  
And Kevin couldn’t help it, he felt hot anger surging through him at Fangs’ words. Here was finally someone he could blame besides himself, one of the last people who had seen Joaquin before he died…yes it was Fangs’ fault!  
  
Kevin growled and sprung at him, he grabbed Fangs’ collar and shook him angrily and then punched him in the face. He landed a few good punches before FP and Sweet Pea were on him, pulling him away from Fangs. Kevin fought them desperately, kicking at them and screaming. But he stood no chance, and they dragged him away.  
  
Toni was the one who managed to calm him down. She ran after them and convinced them to let go of Kevin. He almost fell the ground when they let go. All strength and rage left him once again, and he just felt empty. But Toni caught him and held him up, surprisingly strong for such a tiny person. She was talking to him soothingly the whole time, but Kevin didn’t really listen. He was too shaken. The only words he could make out were:  
  
“Kevin, this isn’t your fault, please don’t blame yourself…you were the best thing that ever happened to Joaquin.”

He stayed with Toni for a while longer. She held him and told him about her childhood with Joaquin and how Joaquin had always been like an older brother to her. It was good to hear someone else talk about Joaquin too. And after some time Kevin began to tell Toni about his time with Joaquin too. He told her about their first meeting ever and that Kevin had been scared at first, but then realized that this gang member wasn’t looking for a fight but rather for someone to make out with. He cried and smiled at the same time, when he told Toni about his dates with Joaquin, about their kisses and the sweet things Joaquin had said to him.

Toni listened and nodded, and there was a soft smile on her face.

“Joaquin really loved you. You know that Kevin, right? He wouldn’t stop talking about you. He was getting on our nerves. But it was also very cute. I never heard him talk about someone the way he did about you. You had something very special, the two of you.”

“I regret never calling or texting him after he left Riverdale. And I regret not running over to him when I saw him during Archie’s escape. Those were my last moments with him! And I didn’t even touch him. I should have hugged him… or even kissed him. I should have told him something nice. Oh god, Toni. I never told him that I love him. I never said it out loud.”

“But he knew it. He knew that you cared about him, that you loved him.”

Toni hugged Kevin and rubbed his back soothingly. He wasn’t sure whether he could believe what she was saying. Maybe she just said it to comfort him, but it was nice to hear it.

*

The weeks went on, and Kevin felt like he was a ghost himself. He wasn’t part of this world anymore. Anything that was happening around him seemed so meaningless, so pointless and unimportant. How could someone worry about which jacket to wear, when Joaquin was dead?

Kevin distanced himself from Moose. He just couldn’t bear being with him when he was always thinking about Joaquin. And after a few weeks, they broke up. It was a relief.

Kevin found himself visiting Joaquin’s grave all the time. Sometimes he lay awake in his bed at night and then just put his running clothes on and jogged to the cemetery and sat down at Joaquin’s grave for hours. Sometimes he cried and begged Joaquin for forgiveness. Other times he just sat there in silence, just needing to be close to Joaquin.   
  
Once the pain was numbed a bit, Kevin managed to sit here by Joaquin’s grave and just talk to his dead ex-boyfriend. He told Joaquin about his day, what had happened at school, what went on in his family with the upcoming wedding and things like that. Joaquin’s gave became his safe haven. He felt at peace when he was here. When he could talk to his first big love. And it was on one of these nights that he said those words for the first time:

“I love you, Joaquin. I love you, and I miss you so much..”

It was pathetic. He had never gotten the chance to tell Joaquin while he was still alive, even though he had felt it. But at least now he was able to do it.

And sometimes Kevin had the feeling that there was a presence. Like a warm, gentle touch on his hand or cheek and it gave him more comfort than any words of his friends or his dad. He knew that it was probably only his imagination. But he wanted to believe that something of Joaquin lingered here and that Joaquin knew Kevin was here with him.

Kevin spent a lot of time at Joaquin’s grave. So much time in fact that people started to notice. Betty asked him about it, and she looked at him the same way she had looked when she had caught him cruising in Fox Forest. As if Kevin was doing something she thought was wrong or dangerous.  
  
“Kev, I am worried about you. You spend too much time on the graveyard. I know it’s hard for you. But you are still alive.. you still have a future. Please don’t give all of that up and dwell on the past. Look forward. Joaquin would want that.”  
  
His dad knew about it too of course. It was kind of funny Kevin thought, that he had never told his dad about Joaquin, while Joaquin was still alive, but now that he was dead, they talked about him. It made Kevin feel guilty and at the same time angry. He should have just grabbed Joaquin’s hand and introduced him to his dad.

_“Dad, this Joaquin, my boyfriend. I know he is a Serpent and you aren’t a big fan of them. But he is a good person, and I like him a lot, and he likes me. He makes me happy, and I want only him.”_

But at least he told his dad everything about Joaquin now. His dad listened and began to cry halfway through Kevin’s story. He cried just as much as Kevin did and they ended up hugging each other tightly and both sobbing for Kevin’s loss.  
  
His dad understood, and he was very gentle with Kevin, but he also told him that Kevin had to stop.  
  
“Kevin, you have to move on. I know it hurts and I know you miss him. You never got a chance to make things right between you, but it wasn’t your fault. The circumstances kept you apart. Joaquin knew that too. You have to let go.”  
  
Kevin knew deep down that they were right. But he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He had gotten used to sitting at Joaquin’s grave. He felt like this was his only way to maybe right the wrong he had done. And it just felt soothing to be close to Joaquin.

*

The months passed, and Kevin began to get back to his normal everyday life more and more every week. He got involved in after-school activities again. Put much effort into the new school musical and made sure to do a lot of training for wrestling. And he started to look for colleges. His dad showed him a lot of brochures of the best colleges in the country. But Kevin declined them all. His former dream college had been three states away. But he didn’t want to go there anymore. It was too far away. He wasn’t ready to leave Joaquin behind. And so he just picked the college nearest to Riverdale, so he could still visit Joaquin.

The years passed, and Kevin was busy with college and later on with work. He didn’t come to Joaquin’s grave that often any longer. But he still made sure to visit him often enough. It had become a little tradition. Kevin would come here, bring Joaquin flowers and sit down in front of Joaquin’s grave. He would talk to Joaquin, tell him about his life. He liked the tranquility of the graveyard, the peaceful atmosphere. And it was comforting to be here with Joaquin. Kevin still imagined that he could feel Joaquin’s presence sometimes and it convinced him that he had to always come back here.  
  
Kevin still met Toni and Fangs regularly, usually at Pop’s for an evening of milkshakes and burgers and talking. Joaquin’s death had brought them together. Toni and Fangs had grown up with Joaquin. Toni still called him her big brother. And Fangs had been very close friends with Joaquin. They shared their memories about him, and it was nice to do that. Each one of them had their own little funny stories about Joaquin, and it was good to share them. It felt like Joaquin was still part of their lives if they just kept remembering him together.  
  
Kevin dated several guys during those years. At first, Kevin was open about Joaquin’s death and how much he still thought about Joaquin and that he still went to his grave. But he soon realized that his boyfriends didn’t want to know about this. They thought it was strange that he still clung to his dead ex. One of them even was jealous. And so Kevin learned to keep his mouth shut and to visit Joaquin in secret.  
  
He felt weird sometimes. Sneaking off to Joaquin’s grave, like he was sneaking off to meet a secret lover. But once he arrived at Joaquin’s grave, he felt at peace again, and he knew it was the right decision to come here. He lay down the flowers he had brought for Joaquin and talked to him. Telling him what had happened in his life since he had been here the last time. It was always so soothing to do that. And he told Joaquin about the different men in his life, about the first dates, the first kisses, about the fights and the breakups. He wondered out loud, whether he would ever be able to find someone like Joaquin again.  
  
He didn’t find someone like Joaquin. Actually, he found someone who was very different from Joaquin, but someone who was very good for him.  
  
He met Clay at work, and they instantly clicked. They started dating only a few weeks later. Kevin felt very comfortable with Clay from the very beginning, and he didn’t hesitate to tell him about Joaquin and that he still went to see his grave and brought him flowers. Somehow Kevin just had the impression that it was ok to tell Clay and he didn’t want to have secrets from him. His instinct had been right, Clay had no problem at all with it. The opposite was the case, he nodded and hugged Kevin and told him that he admired that and found it very sweet. It was the first time one of his boyfriends reacted that way.   
  
Clay never complained about Kevin visiting Joaquin. He understood. Maybe it was because he had lost his dad when he was still very young. Or maybe it was just because he had a big heart and he truly loved Kevin and cared about what was important to Kevin.  
  
One day when Kevin and Clay were going on a walk, and they passed the graveyard, Clay stopped and turned to Kevin:  
  
“Kevin, can I meet Joaquin too?”  
  
Kevin stared at Clay for a moment, caught by surprise, but then he smiled and nodded and pulled him along. They stopped in front of Joaquin’s grave, still holding hands and Kevin felt like this was a huge step in their relationship. Clay was here with him, and only now Kevin realized how much he had wanted this to happen. How right it felt.  
  
“Joaquin, I already told you everything about Clay… well this is him.”  
  
Clay smiled, and he squeezed Kevin’s hand while saying softly:  
  
“Hey, Joaquin. Kevin also told me everything about you. I am glad I can be here too. I know that you mean a lot to Kevin and that he means a lot to you. I promise you that I will take care of him. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.”  
  
Kevin couldn’t hold back the tears. Clays words touched him, and he stood there shaking and tears streaming down his face silently and then Clay pulled him into a tight hug and held him, gently rocking him in his arms.   
  
It was a relief, to have someone here with him, to share this with someone. There were times during which Kevin thought he was crazy for still clinging to Joaquin like that. But having Clay here by his side made it ok. And Kevin was thankful for it.  
  
And so Kevin kept on visiting Joaquin and told him everything about his relationship with Clay.   
  
Kevin and Clay moved in together, and Clay soon became a part of Kevin’s family and the other way around. They had mutual friends and shared interests. Kevin was happy, truly happy. It was something he hadn’t believed possible for a long time. But maybe time really healed most wounds, and people could heal you too, Kevin thought.  
  
*

It was almost a year later on Kevin’s birthday when he walked into the kitchen to find several gift boxes and two bouquets of flowers standing on the table. Kevin smiled at Clay and hugged him.

“Thank you for the presents babe! And thanks for the flowers! But why are there two bouquets? Who brought the second one?”  
  
“They are both from me. One is for you and the other for Joaquin. I thought you might want to bring it to him. It’s your birthday, I think Joaquin would like to have you here today.”  
  
Kevin could feel himself tearing up. He blinked several times and then grabbed Clay’s collar and pulled him into a gentle kiss.  
  
“Thank you, you are amazing. I will say hello to Joaquin from you.”  
  
And at that moment Kevin knew that he would marry this man in front of him. This man who not only accepted that Kevin was still attached to his dead first love but who fully supported it and just gave Kevin all of his love every single day.  
  
Kevin went to Joaquin’s grave later that day. He laid the flowers down and looked at Joaquin’s headstone.

“Hey, Joaquin. I brought you flowers. Clay bought them for you. He says hello. And I want to tell you something. I want to ask him to marry me. I think he is the right one.”

Kevin was startled by two white doves fluttering wildly across the cemetery, almost touching his head. He stared after them and then back at Joaquin’s grave. And he felt that presence again, that soft caress against his cheek, which made him believe that Joaquin was here with him. Kevin smiled and nodded at the headstone. He took this as a sign that Joaquin definitely approved of Kevin’s plans.   
  
“Thank you, Joaquin. Thanks for your blessing.”

**Author's Note:**

> Now that I also wrote a story from Kevin’s POV I guess I am done with writing about Joaquin’s death. I wanted to show how, in my opinion, Kevin would react to the loss of his first love. We could see during their short reunion that Kevin still cared about Joaquin. I think he would be devasted to find out about Joaquin’s death. And I can see him feeling guilty and blaming himself and that he would never forget about Joaquin. But I also wanted to show him coping with it and being able to have a happy life despite everything that happened.


End file.
